Not a conquest means you’ve got to protect her all with love, jealousy and not forgetting that her family comes first. History has it that I am the most difficult son my mother had to deal with not because I am self-conscious, but I can rush to make decisions depending on who’s getting messed up and by whom.Last and very important, follow each and every rule from the first to the Last.If you’re a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts who’s waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesn’t have a father like me. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub.Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter.Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world.Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachovia—or I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce? Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. Also, don’t gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig? Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh. I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. I always want my girl to receive what’s hers at the right time since that’s how she has lived. Not because you are going to commit crimes or the like or if you will but because you may have lots of papers to sign in courts of law or with lawyers.
If you do not have the guts to do so, it makes me question how trustworthy you are. I am not your buddy, and adults like me deserve to be treated with honor and respect simply on the basis of our age and experience. In it you shall do no work you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your. Also, when you’re at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness.As much as I don’t like the idea of their dating, I have got to suck it up and accept it (bartender, I’ll have a shot of whiskey). you know how hard it is to let your girls go (I’ll take another shot, please). Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy.
All you dads who are worth your salt and give a crap about your kid . Even though I’m slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, I’m not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you.
I have a daughter (God bless her) who seems to be growing up so fast bringing these outrageous thoughts in my mind which make me worry that I may be losing my mind.